It's almost 2:14 Am and he's still on her head. She constantly wonders when should be the day she stop writing about him cause she's damn tired. She wanna stop but she wanted to write her feelings down and let it out for once again.
"Kung mahal mo talaga ang taong yun, sabihin mo na sa kanya agad-agad, para malaman mo kung hindi o Oo ang sagot nya, atleast umpisa palang hindi na ang sagot makakamove on ka kesa papatagalin mo pa yung pag-ibig mo na lalong lumalalim pa. Dive ka ng Dive hindi kana makaka ahon dahil ang layo na ng aahunin mo."
She wish to hear those words 2 years ago. Now she's blaming herself for making things get worse.
She taught herself to be strong. She thought she was strong... But a man keeps her mind active every single night. She's fully aware that he doesn't care anymore but still, she don't care that she don't care (got my point?). She can't do anything about it no matter how hard she tried. She wants to cry but her eyes were tired. She's waiting for the day her mind and heart give up.
Normally, she spends her time in the bed. That could be the best place for her. She kept on listening to a song for almost 2 hours. Might be boring but she's listening to every words she wanted to say. She never show emotions. She's a kind of person that doesn't wanna show her shit to other people. She's controlling herself. She knows how to.
She thinks of him, if he's okay. But she honestly felt bad for herself. It's not fair anymore but she loved him. She wanted to tell him everything but she couldn't, she just kept them and burried them all inside. Some things are better left unsaid diba :) She's afraid... of being hurt and rejection. Since her father rejected her, she promised herself that she wouldn't felt that again. Though she knew she'll be rejected. She's aware of everything. She was conscious. Life is a cycle of pain for her. She's not mad, maybe just a little upset but she always understand. She's fine with it. She always forgive.
She jokes a lot about her situation but she's crying inside. She had to act normal and making it seemed like 'It's alright, there's no big deal. Nothing to worry about'. She always put on a smiley face to let people know that she's fine. Everyone thinks she's fine. It's amazing how can a smile hide tears in the back of her eyes. She's a strong woman. She's stronger than she thinks.
Even the closest person to her never know how she's doing, she's not talking about this. No words are coming out. She wants them to read her blogs.She's dying to let them know. She's not that secretive. No one asked her how she's doing and if she's okay. Cause everyone thinks she's fine but she was screaming inside. She's not okay... She's not.
Everyone helped her with this, the fact that it's not their problem/issue but they say anything that could comfort her.. She wrote a blog not because she's asking for sympathy, she just wanna write down all her feelings bc no words can express everything.
She's trying to forget everything they've been up to but she always end up failing. She always fails her self. She's fighting a war but she's losing but she kept on trying, there was no backing out. She tried almost everything, The only option left is ACCEPTANCE. For he doesn't see her worth, she needs to keep trying. She always keep fighting
She know herself, Once she's done with this, she'll be filled of Anger.
